my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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