you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
