Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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