There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
