Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
