I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
