Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
