I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize