No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
