Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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