If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
