Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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