That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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