so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
And then he peed in my hair
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