Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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