I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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