made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
accomplished twins. life is a go
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
