i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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