Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
