I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
