Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
