so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Terrible idea I love it
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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