i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
