she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
