he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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