I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
