this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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