Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
