i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize