dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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