I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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