i think i have two assholes
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
