I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
