I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
