the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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