Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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