Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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