she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
