I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
