my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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