you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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