i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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