More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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