guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
