My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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