you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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