Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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