i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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