Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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