The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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