Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
