You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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