i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
