sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
zippers are such a cool invention
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize