Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize