Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize