I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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