I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
