His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
