Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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