I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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