If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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