Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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