i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
